RETIRED HUSBAND

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Navar was reading this Email sent from my Dad he was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.  I had him read it to me it just made me want to go shopping.  What numbers would you or could you do?  What kind of misbehaving have you ever done in a store?  I’d say the most fun I ever had grocery shopping was when I picked up a whoopee cushion that was on sale by the front door and walked around the store as we shopped, walking behind Navar flapping my arm up and down on the whoopee cushion making noises.  I tried to have straight face with a furrowed brow.  The shoppers gave him a horrified look like you might want to do something about that gas.  I had the giggles so bad by the time I got to the cash register they probably wanted to kick me out of the store.  Occasionally, when the store music is too good not to dance we have been known to just starting dancing in the isle.

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they
weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,’Code 3 in Housewares.Get
on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station
and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite
them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department
to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t
you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his
nose.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’
theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ using different sizes of
funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and
screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very
loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

 

I wouldn’t take me shopping!


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13 responses »

  1. Navar’s. Dad. Rocks.
    I’ve done number 11.
    And have had spirited conversations in Home Depot over whether gas or electric chainsaws were better in crowds, and what top load freezers were best for storing bodies in.
    fortunately, the staff was as bent as me, so it was just fun all around.

  2. Now I know why I hate shopping–I’ve never had the chance to go with someone like this! This was too funny. Loved #11. Wondering what was so scary about #10 that it’s not listed. 😉

  3. Starla…you had me laughing out here in CA. This is so funny. I thought I was bad with joking around with people, lol Hope you guys have a very fun Easter. 🙂

    • I think poor behavior can pass from person to the next. We have our good friends who the husband is a bit of a practical joker. I think he has had a small influence on us. We once put a For Sale sign on his gate to their house. Silly, but I;m sure they were shocked when they drove up to their house. :+) Nice picture by the way.

        • When we had a garage sale we thought about bring over a bunch of stuff when they were at work with a garage sale sign. I miss our friends they were a lot of silly fun..
          You could put an add in the paper Husband For Sale. But than again you would probably miss him.

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